As she stared down the barrel of a sawed off shotgun she had the euphony that her life needed to change or she was going to end up dead in a gutter or spending 25 years to life a federal prison.
That was 7 years ago but it seems like a completely different life. It was a completely different life, a completely different person. It is also one of my clearest memories. I am well adapted to blocking out most of those years, most of the time.
There was the shotgun in my face, the man whose name I can’t remember standing next to me, and the fact that I had to climb over a roof to get to the door. I remember his face, him sitting in my art room - tweaking out on some project, but his name escapes me. If I saw him today I wouldn’t recognize him. One of two things happens to the people I know from that time – they end up looking like the walking dead, eyes hollowed out, pick marks all over there face, ratty and unkempt; or they clean up and pack on some weight. The only ones I recognize these days are the ones I knew before we all ended up as addicts.
I remember the moment that I died, figuratively speeking, and was given a new life to start over with, but that is another story for another day. Although it was an entirely different life, I remember far more clearly then I would like to. I need to remember the day I had a gun pointed at my face with crystal clarity because that was the day I made the choice to save myself. No one will ever save you from yourself that is a choice that can only be made by an individual. After you make that choice there will always be help available if you ask for it. I’ve never been one to ask for help though.
Everyday I am in contact with wonderful people who never screwed up their lives like I did. I shouldn’t have either. I come from a middle class family where I was loved, I didn’t get everything that I wanted but who really does, my parents cared where I was and who my friends were but they were never over barring about it. I got my first car at 14 and got to drive all by myself to school. I lived in a good neighbourhood, was allowed pets, and have no complaints about my childhood. It’s the exact same story of so many of the students in college but for some reason my path took a detour through a darkened part of the woods.
There will always be closed-minded people who will judge me because of my past and I have judged myself with those same thoughts. I have spent years wondering how I was so lucky to get a chance to start over. Part of it was my ability to fallow the “fake it till you make it” theory and I was really good at it. Somewhere between then and now I really did make it and it had nothing to do with luck.
Your thoughts about what’s going on in the here-and-now and what will happen are formed while looking through the lenses of your past. It has taken years for me to break the haze of those old lenses and accept that what I have accomplished had nothing to do with luck. Your past experiences make you what you are today. That past has made me a strong person who works hard and fights for my goals and what I believe in. I may not be ready to embrace my past but I have finally accepted that I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. It shows how strong of a person I am and how hard I work to make my life better and more amazing everyday.
I was on a path that would have lead to 25 years in prison and I turned my life around. I have had the opportunity to be an RA, join a sorority, be the ad staff manager, get involved in campus, I volunteer on a regular basis, I have swam at the Great Barrier Reef, cuddled a koala, hand fed a kangaroo then ate one for dinner, I have been to the Van Gough museum and visited an old soviet block country, Paris, the Vatican, Pompeii, Athens, and have seen so many marvelous things. I got to do all of that because I made the choice to change my life. To bad it had to be a bad situation during a part of my life I wish I could erase. Without knowing the bad I wouldn’t work so hard to make my life extraordinary. It happens to be true that you can’t have the beauty without all the bad stuff, too. Ying and Yang.
This also proves that people can change. I won’t even listen to an argument against this because I did it. I changed.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
review
http://www.popmatters.com/tv/reviews/c/charmed.shtml
I enjoyed this review because it opened with something that was really going on behind the scene. It covers what the philosophy behind WB shows. Hot skimpy dressed girls and beefcakes with their shirts off. It compares it to other show in the genera and doesn't make it out to be the best but it does say that it is enjoyable for the good v evil genera.
Then it gets not so good as the review drags on about the characters and plot.
I enjoyed this review because it opened with something that was really going on behind the scene. It covers what the philosophy behind WB shows. Hot skimpy dressed girls and beefcakes with their shirts off. It compares it to other show in the genera and doesn't make it out to be the best but it does say that it is enjoyable for the good v evil genera.
Then it gets not so good as the review drags on about the characters and plot.
Ramifications of a Blog
What is the reach of ramifications of a blog. If I'm writing about something that happened 7 years ago will that have an effect on a future job? I'm writing about how people change and making a better person out of the mistakes of the past.
My problem being that I want to post it and if I was an established writer, or an established anything, I would print it. But I'm not and I'm not sure what type of content could hurt my future job prospects.
It is a really tough call when you want to print something but are afraid of your past coming back to bite you in the ass. Again.
My problem being that I want to post it and if I was an established writer, or an established anything, I would print it. But I'm not and I'm not sure what type of content could hurt my future job prospects.
It is a really tough call when you want to print something but are afraid of your past coming back to bite you in the ass. Again.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Throw away age
The age of the throw away culture. My lease on my car was up so what did I do, I leased a new car. Damn it is a nice car. Push button start, sunroof, Bluetooth for my phone, Bose speakers, plays MP3’s, quite inside and out. Graduating, new guy, new car, new city, new hair cut, does this give way to a new life?
This is not the first time I have up and relocated, leaving everything behind. I believe in reinventing myself everyday, break up the monotony. When you spend 16+ hours a day with yourself it can get relatively boring if you don’t mix it up. Those who don’t get board with themselves are too simple or drama addicts.
It has now been five years in the same town, with the same people, the same job, the same old shit day in and day out. I don’t understand how people do this for 20 years at a time. Going to the same job, living in the same house, raising kids, dropping them off at school everyday for 12 years.
My best friend Betzy is completely opposite of me when it comes to starting over. I will keep her in my life no matter where I go or who I become but how I ended up friends with that woman is beyond me. Betzy’s number one goal in life was to become a mother. I learned about this when her daughter was 3 years old and was floored by this revelation. I would never. She got her associates degree in something or another and would have worked at the same dead end job at an insurance claims place if they hadn’t laid her off. Now she is over worked and underpaid in the insurance department of the local hospital. She will never leave this job.
She bought a house, which means she will never leave the town, and is slowly fixing it up. Betzy is rooted down and happy as a clam. This leads to some crazy conversations when I call her and ask for advice. She is good with advice, will tell me how she sees it, and I know she is right even when I don’t want to hear it. But she put down roots and my bohemian/gypsy blood cause me to spread my wings and fly away. Betzy keeps me grounded and that’s why I love her, even if we don’t see eye to eye on issues of life.
Others have stated that they wish they could have my gypsy nature but they don’t know the sacrifice that it takes. Being able to move to a new town and start a new life is amazing but finding another whose wings fly the same path is virtually impossible. The probability of finding that person who I can fall asleep with every night and still get to kiss them good morning is boarding on nonexistent. Betzy promises me it will happen when I settle down. But I can’t settle down and the crushing weight that truth is loneliness.
This ability to throw it all away and live the gypsy life comes from the deep seeded need to not end up like my parents. They were from the age of collecting, from a time where you didn’t waste anything. I refuse to collect junk that I don’t use. This includes people, places, and things. Remember that if you don’t use it, throw it away. Embrace the throw away age!
So off to San Francisco to my new school, new apartment, new roommate, with my new car, new hair, to start a whole new life. And I get to do it all by myself.The choices I make will determine where my path leads but when I jump into my car and start driving westward that path will be as foggy as a San Francisco morning.
This is not the first time I have up and relocated, leaving everything behind. I believe in reinventing myself everyday, break up the monotony. When you spend 16+ hours a day with yourself it can get relatively boring if you don’t mix it up. Those who don’t get board with themselves are too simple or drama addicts.
It has now been five years in the same town, with the same people, the same job, the same old shit day in and day out. I don’t understand how people do this for 20 years at a time. Going to the same job, living in the same house, raising kids, dropping them off at school everyday for 12 years.
My best friend Betzy is completely opposite of me when it comes to starting over. I will keep her in my life no matter where I go or who I become but how I ended up friends with that woman is beyond me. Betzy’s number one goal in life was to become a mother. I learned about this when her daughter was 3 years old and was floored by this revelation. I would never. She got her associates degree in something or another and would have worked at the same dead end job at an insurance claims place if they hadn’t laid her off. Now she is over worked and underpaid in the insurance department of the local hospital. She will never leave this job.
She bought a house, which means she will never leave the town, and is slowly fixing it up. Betzy is rooted down and happy as a clam. This leads to some crazy conversations when I call her and ask for advice. She is good with advice, will tell me how she sees it, and I know she is right even when I don’t want to hear it. But she put down roots and my bohemian/gypsy blood cause me to spread my wings and fly away. Betzy keeps me grounded and that’s why I love her, even if we don’t see eye to eye on issues of life.
Others have stated that they wish they could have my gypsy nature but they don’t know the sacrifice that it takes. Being able to move to a new town and start a new life is amazing but finding another whose wings fly the same path is virtually impossible. The probability of finding that person who I can fall asleep with every night and still get to kiss them good morning is boarding on nonexistent. Betzy promises me it will happen when I settle down. But I can’t settle down and the crushing weight that truth is loneliness.
This ability to throw it all away and live the gypsy life comes from the deep seeded need to not end up like my parents. They were from the age of collecting, from a time where you didn’t waste anything. I refuse to collect junk that I don’t use. This includes people, places, and things. Remember that if you don’t use it, throw it away. Embrace the throw away age!
So off to San Francisco to my new school, new apartment, new roommate, with my new car, new hair, to start a whole new life. And I get to do it all by myself.The choices I make will determine where my path leads but when I jump into my car and start driving westward that path will be as foggy as a San Francisco morning.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Conspiracy Theories
I love conspiracy theories, especially the ones that are so outrageous no way could it be true. The government has let it's people get attacked or has attacked it's own people to go to war. Proved and possible so no fun. A space ship landed at Roswell and they study aliens at area 51. No flipping way is this possible.
Trust me when I say if aliens exist that are advanced enough to make it to planet earth one of two things would happen. They would either run for dear life because they would think that we were completely FUBAR or everyone in the world would know they existed because our government can not hide something this big.
Another thing about the alien stuff that doesn't fit either is the fact that they crashed. Don't you think that a race that was smart enough to bridge the huge gaps in space could do it with out crashing when they got here. If your argue here is that it has only happened a few time or only happened once, I still have to repeat - They traveled hundreds of light years in an instance and you think they ended that with a crash? Lets think about this, crashing is really a human thing. We crash into thing, not normally the other way around.
For those who think that aliens are running around abducting people, I would like to ask, "Have you seen the state of our world?" Sure abducting people from the developed countries seems like the logical choice but when it comes to scientific sampling they would take from everywhere, including those places where things are not going well for the population. Can say I have ever heard of people in the slums of the world getting abducted. Maybe it happens and it's just not reported but maybe they have better things to worry about and that's why they don't make up stories about it.
Then there are the repeat abductions, the people who they keep coming for, over and over and over. Most of these people are not living exciting lives so explain to me why highly intelligent beings are looking at them more then once. Once again, look at the state of our world, why would anyone want to continue coming back here. If I was that smart I would come once take a random sample and after doing so I would be smart enough not to come back.
If they were coming back time and again then that would mean they are here to help us because quite frankly humans are not as interesting as most seem to think we are. They are not coming back to "learn more about us." There is not a whole hell of a lot to learn because we are boring. So if they are here to help then that means that aliens are out to do great and big things. This can not be covered up. The whole world would know if that was really going on.
Aliens are not visiting our planet but it sure is fun to poke holes into peoples beliefs about it.
Trust me when I say if aliens exist that are advanced enough to make it to planet earth one of two things would happen. They would either run for dear life because they would think that we were completely FUBAR or everyone in the world would know they existed because our government can not hide something this big.
Another thing about the alien stuff that doesn't fit either is the fact that they crashed. Don't you think that a race that was smart enough to bridge the huge gaps in space could do it with out crashing when they got here. If your argue here is that it has only happened a few time or only happened once, I still have to repeat - They traveled hundreds of light years in an instance and you think they ended that with a crash? Lets think about this, crashing is really a human thing. We crash into thing, not normally the other way around.
For those who think that aliens are running around abducting people, I would like to ask, "Have you seen the state of our world?" Sure abducting people from the developed countries seems like the logical choice but when it comes to scientific sampling they would take from everywhere, including those places where things are not going well for the population. Can say I have ever heard of people in the slums of the world getting abducted. Maybe it happens and it's just not reported but maybe they have better things to worry about and that's why they don't make up stories about it.
Then there are the repeat abductions, the people who they keep coming for, over and over and over. Most of these people are not living exciting lives so explain to me why highly intelligent beings are looking at them more then once. Once again, look at the state of our world, why would anyone want to continue coming back here. If I was that smart I would come once take a random sample and after doing so I would be smart enough not to come back.
If they were coming back time and again then that would mean they are here to help us because quite frankly humans are not as interesting as most seem to think we are. They are not coming back to "learn more about us." There is not a whole hell of a lot to learn because we are boring. So if they are here to help then that means that aliens are out to do great and big things. This can not be covered up. The whole world would know if that was really going on.
Aliens are not visiting our planet but it sure is fun to poke holes into peoples beliefs about it.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
spring break Final
A few years ago I made a trip to Chicago with a couple of friends of mine, Dylan and Mary Jane which lead to an adventure of hair plugs, my hatred of Starbucks and gay clubs. The 8 hour drive was split up between us, Dylan drove the first leg then Mary was in the middle, she's always in the middle. I of course was the only one who willing to drive into Chicago itself. We were staying in down town and managed to get in during rush hour. Once again, I always end up in large cities during rush hour, Albuquerque, Phoenix, Chicago, St. Louis, etc.
Funny thing is I suffer from anxiety. I hold it together and try and pretend that it doesn’t bother me. None of my friends have ever figured out that I am scared as hell to be driving in mass amounts of traffic. The fear comes from the fact that the larger the group of people the more stupid they act. Now put all that idiocracy into large metal death boxes. Add into the equation that people are competitive which leads to offensive driving. If everyone would just take a deep breath and respect the mightiness of the car then my fear of the road would not be so great.
We make it the hotel just fine, go out to eat, and then crash out for the night. Although our first day is not that exciting, it get better.
Day two starts out with us getting up early and going to a medical office. Dylan needed to get his hair plugs checked. It was the one-year mark and I guess they needed to be checked. The view from the doctor’s office was amazing. The high rise next to us had a pool and garden on the roof.
The food in big cities is amazing. There are more flavors to be tasted. Compared to the food I had in Chicago, every restaurant in Kearney taste like I’m chewing on cardboard. This makes no sense because the meals in Chicago were not more expensive then eating out in Kearney. I love food but I have been spoiled by my travels.
This trip to Chicago also leads to my hatred of Starbucks. I am ad major and therefore a brand whore. I do love brand name stuff but it has to be quality. First off Starbucks is not quality. Second, there is no need for two Starbucks to be on the exact same block. They were even on the same side of the street. I consider this overdoing it. That was the day I swore I would never drink Starbucks coffee.
Later that night we go out on the town. We hope on the L train and head out. We get off in an area of town known as “boys town.” I have never seen so many Leather, porn, and bondage shops in such a short walk.
We get to a club, have some drinks, and are having a good time. Next thing you know Mary Jane and I get kicked out for being strait girls. There was no way they could prove we were strait but we were asked to leave because they didn’t want “strait girls” in their club. WTF?!?
Well a man couple there over heard this and invited us to an afterhours club, that was friendly to all, down the street. We ended up loosing the guys who we came with, seven sheets to the wind and I was the only one sober enough to get us back to the hotel. This included getting on the right L train and navigating the 8 blocks after we get off the train. Not to mention the trying to talk the drunks into believing I knew where we were. So how did I end up being the only one who was hung over? I don’t know but I now know what gay clubs, hair plugs, and my hatred of Starbucks have in common. It was my spring break trip to Chicago.
Funny thing is I suffer from anxiety. I hold it together and try and pretend that it doesn’t bother me. None of my friends have ever figured out that I am scared as hell to be driving in mass amounts of traffic. The fear comes from the fact that the larger the group of people the more stupid they act. Now put all that idiocracy into large metal death boxes. Add into the equation that people are competitive which leads to offensive driving. If everyone would just take a deep breath and respect the mightiness of the car then my fear of the road would not be so great.
We make it the hotel just fine, go out to eat, and then crash out for the night. Although our first day is not that exciting, it get better.
Day two starts out with us getting up early and going to a medical office. Dylan needed to get his hair plugs checked. It was the one-year mark and I guess they needed to be checked. The view from the doctor’s office was amazing. The high rise next to us had a pool and garden on the roof.
The food in big cities is amazing. There are more flavors to be tasted. Compared to the food I had in Chicago, every restaurant in Kearney taste like I’m chewing on cardboard. This makes no sense because the meals in Chicago were not more expensive then eating out in Kearney. I love food but I have been spoiled by my travels.
This trip to Chicago also leads to my hatred of Starbucks. I am ad major and therefore a brand whore. I do love brand name stuff but it has to be quality. First off Starbucks is not quality. Second, there is no need for two Starbucks to be on the exact same block. They were even on the same side of the street. I consider this overdoing it. That was the day I swore I would never drink Starbucks coffee.
Later that night we go out on the town. We hope on the L train and head out. We get off in an area of town known as “boys town.” I have never seen so many Leather, porn, and bondage shops in such a short walk.
We get to a club, have some drinks, and are having a good time. Next thing you know Mary Jane and I get kicked out for being strait girls. There was no way they could prove we were strait but we were asked to leave because they didn’t want “strait girls” in their club. WTF?!?
Well a man couple there over heard this and invited us to an afterhours club, that was friendly to all, down the street. We ended up loosing the guys who we came with, seven sheets to the wind and I was the only one sober enough to get us back to the hotel. This included getting on the right L train and navigating the 8 blocks after we get off the train. Not to mention the trying to talk the drunks into believing I knew where we were. So how did I end up being the only one who was hung over? I don’t know but I now know what gay clubs, hair plugs, and my hatred of Starbucks have in common. It was my spring break trip to Chicago.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Mornings
Being an early riser in college has it's advantages. There are only 3 other people awake and moving in the dorms (resident halls) at 6am. This means you don't have to worry about not getting a show or even combing your hair for at least another hour.
Another perk is that it is quite and you can get homework done. In the evenings it is loud from 3pm on. While quite hours should start at 10pm, this doesn't normally happen. Being the one who has to enforce this I am well aware of the fact that the young adults around here are not ready to be quite at 10pm.
This leads to problem of getting to sleep at night so you can wake up to a early peace and quite. Problem solution - iPod and headphones, fans also work along with ear plugs. I do own a giant box of ear plugs, which are over half gone from this school year.
Remember - early to bed and early to rise makes a man heath and wise.
Another perk is that it is quite and you can get homework done. In the evenings it is loud from 3pm on. While quite hours should start at 10pm, this doesn't normally happen. Being the one who has to enforce this I am well aware of the fact that the young adults around here are not ready to be quite at 10pm.
This leads to problem of getting to sleep at night so you can wake up to a early peace and quite. Problem solution - iPod and headphones, fans also work along with ear plugs. I do own a giant box of ear plugs, which are over half gone from this school year.
Remember - early to bed and early to rise makes a man heath and wise.
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