Jewelry. First thoughts are the ring on a finger, necklace, or earrings. My definition of jewelry is a little loose. Nose studs, nipple rings, implants, is it a bend barbell or straight? Looking through a drawer I found a couple of studded leather neck-bands (one with spikes), leather wrist-cuffs, and some other heavy metaled jewelry. I have plenty of body jewelry that I dig through on a regular basis; but today was different.
I use to have eight or nine piercing in my face, all at the same time for a few months there. That didn’t count my ears. That would have put me over 20. It’s been over a year sense I took them out. I don’t miss them. I don’t think about it that often. I don’t even think about it when I dig through my old body jewelry. So why was today different?
Today I tried on those different leather and studded jewelry. It wasn’t me or was it not me anymore? I looked at my picture from when I joined my sorority. I was blonde, all those piercings, tan, I looked bad. Why did I ever think it looked good? Because of a guy. I think he would have taken me even without the purple hair, piercings, and with a little more meat on me. I looked like Lindsay Lohan. Skin and bones.
How often do we change who we are to fit into a group, or just fit with one person? A lot. I’ve seen it and I’ve done it. I was so unhappy as that person, leather and studs, chains and piercings. I did it to fit in. I didn’t use to be that kind of person. And I’m not that kind of person now. I know I lost myself for a few years there. I don’t know how it happened and I’m not sure how I got it back. That is a topic for later.
When I looked at that picture of the blonde, pierced, tanned person I thought, “man I was ugly.” I mean, I was beautiful but I had made myself ugly. That studded person wasn’t me. Never was. It was the first time I ever understood what people meant when they said, “you’re so pretty; why do you do that to yourself?” I did it for all the wrong reasons.
A small part of me wishes I had never done it; but most of me is glad I did. I wouldn’t be having this revelation if I hadn’t. How different of a person I would be now if I didn’t. I don’t what to change where or who I am now. I’m happy. With my life, where I live, what I do with my days. I wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t lost myself when I was younger. The brightest side of having been lost is when I get to feeling board with myself, I can look back on my youth and remember why I’ve chose to settle down, but only a little.
