I never ran as a kid or in high school. I walk fast. I’m in a hurry to get somewhere but I don’t know where. I took up running because I’m a runner. As in, I run away from things. I’m not trying to get anywhere, hence why I don’t know where I’m going; I’m just trying to get away. From places, people, memories. I’m not the only one. I’m just one of the few who admit it. Who even knows they are doing it.
I was running from places that held bad memories. My friend died on that street. Ran over by a cement truck. I use to do drugs there, there. There and there. Oh, and over there. Lets not forget the boyfriend who won’t let me live down the fact that I dumped him on his birthday. I was 19, high out of my mind, and we had only been dating for 3 months. How many times do I have to say I’m sorry? One, five, is ten not enough? Don’t say you’ve forgiven my past then continue to throw it in my face. I’ve admitted that I fucked up, that I feel bad, that if I could change it I would, that I have remorse that I was such a shit piece of a human being. Once you finally change your life it gets old being reminded of the person you use to be.
I feel bad about what I’ve done in the past and that’s why I changed my life. I cleaned up, cold turkey, no rehab here. I went back to college. I got involved with things, people, places. I was an RA, a sorority girl, I have friends I say “I love you” to. I graduated. I started thinking about how my actions would affect other people before I did them. I’ve grown as a person. I’ve also learned that those who truly love me have forgiven me for what I’ve done. Even though I’ve never properly apologized to them.
Yet I still felt like I needed to run. The more my life changed, the better it got, the more I felt the need to run. I tried to start my life over when I went back to college. All of the people I meet there let me leave the past where it belonged. But I was still to close to where I had caused my shit storm. People who knew me then, places I had to drive by from then. I just wanted to start over. I wanted the chance to be the person I can be and not the person I was.
When you hit that point only one thing to do. Change your name and move to California.
I moved to Cali and I stopped running. Literally. I didn’t have the motivation anymore. I had finally stopped figuratively running from my life. But when a situation arises that I want to run from. I run. And while I’m running the hills of Berkeley I let my mind race. I sort through what it is I’m running from. Once it all makes sense I don’t fell like running away any more. I’m finally being the person that I want to be. I can’t forget my past but I’m free of the ties that bind me to a person I no longer am.
